Goodbye Again
by Kowalistair Fanatic
Summary: It was a cold, and miserable night in St. Petersburg, Russia.  Snow and ice fell unmercifully down onto the streets below, and pounded violently against the windows of the Spasky household.  I am Irina Spasky, and this is my story.  For Ninja's contest.


**Author's Note: Hi guys Kowalistair Fanatic here!  
>Okay, this story is for Ninja's iPod shuffle contest, and (not to mention) my first Fan Fic ever! Yay! I was lucky enough to get John Denver's song (phew! Thank the Madrigals!)<strong> "**Goodbye Again".  
>I would suggest that you look up the song on YouTube when it comes up in the story. (It gives you more of the feeling.)<br>So, I hope that you guys enjoy it, and I just wanted to say, thank you so much for taking the time to read this. I really appreciate it!  
><strong>

**Disclaimer: I don't own the 39 Clues or the characters in it. That would be Scholastic.  
>Okay, enough boring chit chat, on with the story!<br>**

* * *

><p>It was a cold, and miserable night in St. Petersburg, Russia.<br>Snow and ice fell unmercifully down onto the streets below, and pounded violently against the windows of the Spasky household.

I knelt by my son's bedside, trying my best to comfort him through his high fevers and lingering illness.

"Mama," he coughed, "I feel hot."

I pulled an ice pack out of the cooler next to his bed, and pressed it onto his forehead.  
>Beads of perspiration glistened on his forehead and dropped onto his pillow, creating a dark, damp splotch.<p>

Sigh…Had it only been a few months ago that he was playing happily on the park jungle gym with his friends, in the sun's golden rays?  
>Now here he was, in bed. In a dark, empty house, with not a soul around, and where (because it was winter) the sun never shone.<p>

Ever since his father died under "mysterious" circumstances. It had been just him and me.

"I-I see a beetle." he said in a shaky voice.

I smiled warmly. Being in bed most of the time, Nikolai had began to get bored. So I had shown him different ways to keep himself entertained.  
>One of the games that we played was "I See." Every time a drop of water made a pattern, we looked at it and tried to guess what it looks like.<p>

Like when we used to go outside and look at the clouds.  
>But now, because of his illness, he had been confined to bed. And so, our excursions had been long cancelled.<p>

"Yes, I see it. It is very lovely." I said, still smiling.

"Mama, when can I get out of bed?" he asked wonderingly.

I mentally groaned. That was one of the questions that he asked everyday ever since the doctor announced that he was to stay in bed until he regained his strength…but that was three months ago.

So, I gave the reason I always said, "When it is time to." I looked up at the clock to see what time it was, 5:00 AM.  
>"Until then you need to rest."<p>

He nodded obediently and coughed.

Suddenly I heard the phone start ringing noisily downstairs. "I will be right back Nikolai." I said gently, pushing his blankets to his chin.  
>I stood up and jogged down the stairs and started muttering prayers under my breath.<p>

"Please don't be who I think it is."

I picked up the phone and pressed the green 'Talk' button. "Spasky residence, Irina speaking."

"Hello Irina." said a cool, silky British accent.

I silently cursed under my breath. "Hello Isabel. How may I help you today?" I tried to keep my voice sounding as cheerful as I could muster.

"Oh, that subject can wait. How is your son?"

I could tell she didn't care at all, about how Nikolai was doing. She never did.  
>All this was about, obviously, was trying to get me to go on another mission for the Lucians.<p>

"He is fine." I answered in a bitter voice, trying not to sound sarcastic, "But what is it that you want to ask me about? It sounds very important."

"Oh, Vikram and I need you to help us straighten out a risky situation we have with an untrustworthy Ekat."

I averted my gaze to the ceiling, "I am afraid that I am little busy with taking care of Nikolai."

She laughed, "Irina! Surely he spare you for a few days! I mean, his condition can't be **that **bad."

I tried to keep my tone from wavering, there was no need for her to know how emotional I was beginning to get, "Isabel, he does not seem to be getting any better. And I have gone away too much already."

"You aren't seriously saying that you'd chose your son's comfort over your branch's priorities! It sounds to me that you're beginning to become a traitor to the Lucians."

"No, no, no it is not like that, it is just-!"

But Isabel didn't stop talking, she was on a roll, "Let me remind you who pays your medical bills, and who gives you security from the other branches. The least that you can do is return the favor by just leaving for a few days."

I shifted uncomfortable, "Just a few days?"

"Just a few." she repeated, with a sickeningly sweet smile in her voice.

I sighed, "Alright, but this is the absolute, last time Isabel."

"I understand. See you there Irina." and she hung up.

Sighing heavily I looked up at the staircase, it was time to talk to Nikolai.

* * *

><p>"Mama you can't leave again!"<br>He was on the verge of tears, and was hiding his face in his blankets.

My mind was awhirl. I hated to see him like this. I knew deep down that he was really crying over concern for my well-being, while his was far more , I had to go, for both our sakes.

"Anna will be taking care of you while I am away. And it will only be for a few days this time."

"That's what you said last time, that you went on a business trip!" he protested. "And you ended up coming home two weeks later all beat up and hurt. I don't want you to be like that anymore!"

I sighed sympathetically and stared out of the frost covered window.

Nikolai didn't know about my real profession.  
>I've told him that I work for a legal office downtown that has clients in other cities that I need to take care of from time to time. My real career is much too dangerous for a nine year old boy to know about, and I didn't want him worrying more then he already did.<p>

However, when he saw me come home one night with my injures from a tussle with the Holts, he started to get extremely suspicious. I told him that I slipped down the wet stairs in front of my office building. He told me that he understood, but he didn't seem to be very convinced.

Ruffling his hair with my hand, a good idea suddenly sparked in my brain, "How about this, while I am there, I will bring you back whatever you want."

He looked at me with big, shining eyes, "Can you bring me a stuffed monkey?"

"You bet."

He wrapped his arms around me and with tears falling down his cheeks, said, "Be careful Mama."

I tried not to cry , "I will be home before you know it."

* * *

><p>Anna came in less then half an hour after I called her.<p>

She was Nikolai's regular babysitter and always came as fast as she could every time I had to go on a mission.  
>Nikolai liked it when she took care of him. She was a very kind young woman, and also told him amazing stories, taught him new games, and would occasionally buy him some treats.(Having passed all the background and security checks that I've done on her through the years, I have grown confident in her friendship and trust her as our ally.)<p>

Of course, she didn't know that I was a spy for the KBC.  
>Like Nikolai, she assumed that I was an office worker that got called away on business trips a lot.<p>

"Thank you for coming by again Anna." I said with a grateful expression as she got out of her car.

"No problem Mrs. Spasky." she said taking out a few board games from the backseat.  
>"I understand that you are a very busy woman. Here, I brought some games for Niky and I to play while you're gone."<p>

I smiled, "You are a saint Anna."

She shrugged, "Far from it Mrs. Spasky. I just try to do my part in this world. That is all."

As we spoke, a yellow taxi drove up the street and stopped abruptly, at the front of the house. "Well, this is my ride to the airport." I said, lifting my suitcase off of the ground, "I will see you later Anna."

She waved as I got into the yellow car, "Goodbye Mrs. Spasky! Don't worry about me and Niky, we'll be fine!"

I looked up one last time at the house and saw Nikolai peering through the window of his bedroom, waving goodbye. I blew him a kiss and waved goodbye also.  
>He was moving his lips and I recognized them as the words 'I love you'.<p>

* * *

><p>As soon as the house was out of view, I concentrated on what I was supposed to do.<p>

I was leaving Russia to go to Greenland to stop some pesky Ekats from obtaining one of the Tomas' Clues.

Easy as borscht.

But the more I ran over the possibilities in my brain of what would happen, the more and more I thought about what **could **happen…and the more I saw Nikolai's tear streaked face.

What if something horrible happened to me? What if this was the last time he would ever see me? What if he no longer had any parents to support him?

Then what?

But the thing that bothered me the most, was the thought about how everyday of his life, I've lied to him. He didn't know about my real career. He didn't know that I was a KBC spy. He didn't even the truth about his father!

As I stared solemnly out of the window, I began to grow very quiet. It was still snowing, and frost was beginning to form on the sides of the car window like a lacy border.

And then suddenly, like a flash of lightning, I came to a realization.

That was it, I could not take it! After this assignment, I would go up to Isabel and tell her that I quit! I would tell her that this is my last mission that I'd do for the Lucians ever!  
>My Nikolai was all that mattered.<p>

Then when I go home I'll Nikolai the truth. The honest, real, truth.

It did not matter if I told him, I realized. It would not make our bond any weaker. In fact it would make it stronger!  
>He knew that I was hiding something, but every time he asked I would cover it up, which probably made him feel like I was not being trustworthy. Well no more hiding, this time I would come clean, and apologize immensely for my wrongdoings, and hope that he would understand.<p>

But how would I do it…how could a person like me apologize enough, for trying to deceive him every day we were together?

Then I got it.

Taking out a pen and piece of paper from my purse I began to write down my apology.

* * *

><p>I came back from my assignment a few days later then I had expected.<br>But despite my late arrival I couldn't have been in higher spirits.

We had done it! We beat the Ekats to the Clue in Greenland, and put their plans to a sudden stop! But the thing that raised my spirits the most was that today was the day that I would tell Nikolai the truth!

The truth.

Those two words somehow felt strangely comforting and pleasant in my mouth.

I had to say, this was the happiest day of my life! I could not remember ever being this excited before! Even as the taxi began to drive up my street, I began to get giddy.

As it began to slow down, and park into my driveway, I decided that I would call Isabel after I told Nikolai the truth.  
>There was no need to ruin my upbeat attitude so soon!<p>

The taxi stopped and I paid the driver. And as soon as he took the money from my hand, I jumped out of the car, and while clutching my suitcase in one hand and his stuffed monkey that I promised in the other, I ran up the stairs in a dash. Seeing Nikolai's bedroom door I grabbed the knob and flung open the door,

"Nikolai! There's something I need to tell-" my voice faltered as I saw his empty room with only Anna sitting by his bare bed. She turned, and looked at me with tears in her eyes and in a choked voice said, "Mrs. Spasky, I'm so sorry…Niky is…is…d-dead."

At that moment all of my happiness and excitement from before drained away, and became filled with sorrow. The stuffed monkey slipped from my grasp and fell onto the ground with a soft thump.

I dropped onto my knees in agony, "No…not Nikolai…I didn't get a chance to tell him the truth." I pressed the sheets of his cold bed to my face and cried mournfully.

* * *

><p>The funeral went by almost too quickly.<p>

They lowered his body into the ground, and covered it, then said a few meaningful words, and left their gifts for him on the grass. I stayed by his grave in silence until everyone had given their condolences and left.

Carefully, I laid down the stuffed monkey that I had brought back from Greenland against the side of his tombstone.

It did not matter if he was gone. I would fulfill my promises.

All of my promises.

I rummaged through my purse and gingerly took out the piece of paper that I had been writing on, in the taxi on the day that I left.

That cursed day.

"Hello Nikolai," I said, speaking softly as I looked at his tombstone, "I know that you can hear me. I wrote this song for you the day that I left. I cleared my throat and began to sing softly to my Nikolai,

_It's five o'clock this morning, and the sun is on the rise._  
><em>There's frosting on the window pane, and sorrow in your eyes.<em>  
><em>The stars are fading quietly, the night is nearly gone.<em>  
><em>And so you turn away from me, and tears begin to come.<em>

_And it's goodbye again, I'm sorry to be leavin' you._  
><em>Goodbye again, as if you didn't know,<em>  
><em>It's goodbye again. <em>  
><em>And I wish you could tell me,<em>  
><em>Why do we always fight when I have to go?<em>

_It seems a shame to leave you now, the days are soft and warm._  
><em>I long to lay me down again, to hold you in my arms.<em>

_I long to kiss the tears away, give you back the smile._  
><em>Other voices beckon me, to go a little while.<em>

_And it's goodbye again, I'm sorry to be leavin' you_  
><em>Goodbye again, as if you didn't know<em>  
><em>It's goodbye again, and I wish you could tell me<em>  
><em>Why do we always fight when I have to go?<em>

_Have to go and see some friends of mine, some that I don't know._  
><em>Some who aren't familiar with my name,<em>

_It's something that's inside of me, not hard to understand._  
><em>It's anyone who listens to me sing.<em>  
><em>And if your hours are empty now, who am I to blame?<em>  
><em>You think if I were always here, our love would be the same.<em>

_As it is the time we have, is worth the time alone._  
><em>And lying by your side, the greatest peace I've ever known.<em>

_But it's goodbye again, I'm sorry to be leavin' you_  
><em>Goodbye again, as if you didn't know<em>  
><em>It's goodbye again, and I wish you could tell me,<em>  
><em>Why do we always fight when I have to go? <em>

I tucked away the piece of paper into my pocket, and ran my hand against the cold top of his tombstone. I remembered that day when I looked out of the taxi window and saw him say his last words to me before I left, 'I love you'.

Tears fell down my cheeks and fell into the grass, how could I have been gone while he was dying? He needed his mother to be there to be comforted and reassured. He counted on me! I didn't get a chance to say goodbye!

I turned and began to walk away, but not without looking at his grave one last time and saying finally, 'I love you too'.

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><p><strong>Author's Note: I just would just like to mention a few people real quick for making this story possible,<strong>

**ABetterNinjaThenDanCahill who extended the contest deadline ****twice ****so that I would have enough time to write.**

**My mom who helped me edit this story and gave me ideas to make this story even ****more ****awesome.**

**And my best friend Anna Claire, (who I think has an username on here) who got me interested in writing again.**

**Thanks guys, and please review!  
><strong>


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